Texas Criminal Law Generator

Every two years our most electable citizens gather in Austin to enact new criminal laws. Passing a new criminal law can be hard. You must invent a crisis that only a new criminal law can solve, and then convince other reps to vote for it. This takes time away from important activities like boozing it up with lobbyists or pandering to special interests. To help streamline the process I have created the Texas Criminal Law Generator. This system creates instant “tough on crime” legislation that is guaranteed to pass and be signed by Rick Perry!

If you are a politician who needs the appearance of “doing something about crime” without being distracted by details like justice, rights, or liberty, the TCLG is for you.

First, pick a politically marginalized group
1. Sex Offenders
2. DWI defendants
3. Gang Members
4. Oysters!
5. Illegal Aliens
Next, define the verboten activity
1. Using a cell phone in a car
2. Medicinal Use of Marijuana
3. Possessing a dildo
4. Teaching Evolution
5. Salvia Possession

Choose a punishment
1. 30 days in county jail
2. $1,000 a year driver’s license surcharge
3. Flogging
4. Asset Forfeiture
5. John Bradley ethics seminar
Finally, add some “enhancements” to look serious
1. In a drug free zone
2. With a minor child in the car
3. During a lap dance
4. While carrying a gun
5. Sundays before noon.

Here is a proposed law- It shall be against the law for DWI defendants to teach evolution, the sentence shall be a John Bradley ethics seminar, unless committed on Sunday before noon, in which case you will be flogged.

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11 responses to “Texas Criminal Law Generator”

  1. Don Foard says:

    Well, if I ever get a DWTEPI, (driving while teaching evolution and possibly intoxicated) or whatever, I will certainly try to make sure it’s on a Sunday before noon, so I can just take my flogging. I don’t cotton to the “cruel and unusual” punishment of listening to JB expound on ethics.

  2. Anonymous says:

    And yes Mr. Guest, don’t forget that a lot of lege members are lawyers, just like you.

    Lawyers making law, what a hoot!

  3. MSLGWCEO says:

    I have to totally agree in reference to the sex offender group. Myths, lies, and hysteria have been created for totally political reasons..

    Please Visit

  4. Matlock says:

    So if I can pull off the whole DWI while using a cell phone, during a lap dance (receiving, not giving, of course) can I request a JB ethics seminar, or do I have to go open for that?

    As for the “lawyers making law” comment, I seriously doubt handling three no-contest divorces in Van Horn or as “Of Counsel” qualifies you as a real lawyer. If you need a map to find a courtroom, you’re not a lawyer. Give me a break.

  5. Steve says:

    Priceless! Thanks for the laugh!

  6. WP says:

    So a 14 year old in Braldey town takes a picture of her boobie and sends it to her 16 year old boyfreind. He being the hormone filled male he is passes it on to his teen aged buddies. If this really child pron? Tecnically yes, but cant the Generator help us with real world issues?

  7. Hilary says:

    A work of genius? Or a horrible revelation of the truth? Thank you, either way, Mr. Guest.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Move to San Francisco.

  9. The Lege-O-Matic ™

    “It slices, it dices, it shreds both common sense and Constitutional laws. Its easy, no-drip spout pours forth pandering new laws that are opium for your district’s masses. Call today and save your seat tomorrow!”

  10. Robert Guest says:

    I’m taking name suggestions for the Generator. TCLG isn’t very inspired.

    Please try and upstage Trey’s brilliant Ron Popeil style moniker. Any ideas?

  11. John says:

    Regardless of what you may think, Texas does not have a monopoly on legislative stupidity. New York may have you beat.

    If someone were to hold a contest to determine which state’s legislature has come up with more ridiculous laws, it would be VERY hard to judge. It might not even be possible to determine a winner.

    Just remember: our legislature meets every year [seems like they are always in session] and a visit to a well stocked law library will reveal that they have passed a whole mess of ridiculous statutes–and more of them than the Texas legislature. (Maybe California has both our states beat, but I am restricting this discussion to AMERICAN states.)

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