I’ll hire Michael Phelps
The greatest Olympian of this decade is losing endorsement deals over cannabis use. I have a paltry ad budget, but I am willing to dedicate 100% of those funds to hiring Michael Phelps. Perhaps I could hire Michael to swim the Trinity with a Robert Guest.com speedo.
Michael, you are still an American hero. You have nothing to apologize for. Millions of Americans, including the current and two former Presidents, have partaken in the recreational use of cannabis.
I’m proud to defend cannabis consumers, and I would be proud to extend an endorsement deal to someone with firsthand knowledge of the illogical persecution they face. Shame on the bureaucratic fools who would exploit this situation for political gain. Shame on companies like Kelloggs who would abandon you. And shame on the asshat who sold your photo to the tabloids.
The continuing tragedy of cannabis prohibition can benefit from comedic commentary. On that note, here is a “really?” bit by Seth Meyers.